My Masochistic Addiction

Addiction. another small, but serious word.

The Merriam-Websters short definition of this word is as follws:

Addiction: a strong and harmful need to regularly have something (such as a drug) or do something (such as gamble)

: an unusually great interest in something or a need to do or have something.

When going through a breakup or ending of a relationship, more than often we feel sad about it at some point. The end of a relationship, is the end of a part of your identity, an end to parts of your every day routine, end of planning for the future. It is a loss. 

Suddenly being cut of from HIM and US initially brought me relief and freedom, but that feeling never fully stayed with me.

I felt lonely,
I felt unsure of myself.
I didn’t know what to do with myself.

I began to crave his attention,
I began to glamorize and romanticize our relationship.
Id experience anxiety not receiving a call or text from him.

But when he’d call Id refrain as best as I could from answering or respond to him.
Id makeup excuses because I know I shouldn’t see him
but yet I craved him and his attention
I wanted HIM to want me,
Again.

But id never make plans to see him. I knew I had to stay away and draw a line, but dancing along the line and tip-toeing was thrilling and closer to satiating my sefish wants more that a complete cut off…

But id try and try and try to cut him off.

But everytime I’d slip into these little ruts I had to remind myself of the hurt he caused me.
How my days, my moods, and confidence were truly better without him.

But the selfish and naiive part of my heart that loved HIM, the HIM from early on in ur relationship would whisper to me, you love HIM, and he is still in the man He has become now.

But my brain would remind me You need to Love yourself before you can love another being.

Here I was being split in so many ways, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. My moods were unstable and volatile.
and then I realized one morning while showering and shivering from stepping onto the cold tile flow.

I am an addict.
I am going through withdrawals
I am cleansing my life and ways
I am letting go of HIM.

Because he had hurt me.
He was not the Guy I had fallen in love with.
He was Toxic and Cunning and Charming.
I needed to be healthy
and rid myself of HIM.
My Addiction.

call me by my real name..

Life after E.

Upon arriving from home from Europe with a refreshened mind body and soul I felt more than prepared for this year to end, and to begin 2014 a secure, self-assured, loving, and stronger me. It felt amazing to step back into my hometown to see my family and reconnect with my friends old and moderately new.
Even though it was barely my second night home from Belgium my friends Dirty Mike and Babygirl Brian took me out to get smashed at our fav irish pub, joes, and to say goodbye to seth my forbidden former work crush.

It was all laughs, shit-talker, and old fashionsssz lots and lots of old fashionssszzz. We caught up and shared the new dirt going on in our lives and prepared for the antics that were going to continue the following night/weekend.

and then I met Jim… now I know this post is titled A is fr Andrew and Adventure and it is rightly written so..! Anways….
I met JIm at Joes, he and his friends were sitting beside us at the bar and they put in their 2 cents when Babygirl and mike were taunting me. He was tall lean and dark, Fillipino maybe? I couldn’t really tell.. nor was I really looking. Anyways after a few more drinks and chatter We get up to leave and Jim seixed the moment. He got up and asked me if Id join him for dinner sometime, he felt that we had fun talk and he’d like to get to know me more. I immediately looked to Brian and Mike, fo rwhy I don’t know, thse two would either rescue me dramatically or sell me out so fast for sh**s and giggles.

For a moment I was scared out of my mind and I didn’t know what to say, and then suddenly I found myself smiling and thinking f*ck it why not. SOi exchanged kiks with him and that was the beginning of my testing the dating waters.
As we left the pub babygirl and mike were teasing me saying how did I not get all of tgheir numbers and that only I would be getting a date being beack on the us soil in less than 24hrs.

As we were walking to meet seth, I was freaking out in my mind. Am I ready? can I handle going on a date with another man? what if he tries to kiss me? what if it goes really bad? What if it goes good? am I ready??! Why am I thinking so damn much? I was suddenly feeling stressed and down.

and then it hit me. I was feeling down because it had been months since I had been on a proper date. It had been months since I had been properly courted, talked to , or even asked out. It had been months since my last kiss, with Elliot.

It was time to really truly and now physically move on. When I say physically I don’t mean kiss and screw every man out there (I had already fulfilled that with Mr. S.). It was just the reality was setting in. I had become a new woman continuing on my path to a better life and a better me, without the damage of yesterdays history.

I realized that this upcoming date with Jim was going to be a good experience for me, Id learn about myself I had moved on from, and how much closer I would be to dating people. I knew it was not my intention to begin dating jim and pursuing a relationship with him or anyone else for that matter, but I owed it to myself and to the people to come into my life after E.

I want to live in your street//Quero Morar na Sua Rua

its been a lonlooooonglooonglonglonglonglong time since I have written on my beloved little blog. BUt with the greatest teases and smidgenest of information. I wihs to update who ever cares to read this that my current status on Life Love and realtionships is beyond bliss beyond the capabilities of words. I could only sum it all up in the words of the wise Persian poet Rumi “Everything in the universe is within you. Ask all from yourself.”
And I wish to share with you that I have reclaimed myself, I have learn to love myselaf past my mistakes. past other’s errors against myself whether they were intentional or not. I have grown strong, yet remained kind, hopeful, and even loving.

I have met someone, who has been on a similar journey. With an amazing heart, a gentle touch, and eyes that only seek the good in everyone he crosses paths with.

We met by what we thought was chance, but now nearing our 6 month anniversary it truly feels like the world conspired in brining us together, for which I am beyond grateful.

I love him with my whole heart my whole mind and my whole soul.

I will post all of my saved but not-previously uploaded entries shortly…

“toda positividade eu desejo a voce..”

Fate ou Coincidence

We’ll never really know which one it is, will we?